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SEPTEMBER 24, 2012
ROMNEY IN FINAL PUSH TO ALIENATE REMAINING VOTERS
POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ



NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—With just forty-three days to go  
until the election, Mitt Romney is in a race against time to offend  
the few voters he has not already alienated, his campaign manager  
said today.

“So far, Mitt’s efforts to make voters dislike him have gone  
exactly as planned,” said the campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “But  
let’s not kid ourselves—we’ve still got a few supporters out  
there and we’ve got to find ways to piss them off.”

As Mr. Romney embarked on a bus tour with the goal of spreading  
additional unease about his candidacy, his campaign manager reflected  
on a program of systematic alienation that has so far “worked like  
clockwork.”

“We really got the ball rolling at the Olympics,” Mr. Rhoades  
said. “I seriously doubted that Mitt could turn a visit to London  
into a show of international ineptitude, but he was like, ‘Matt,  
trust me—I can do this.’ ”

Mr. Rhoades also credited the addition of Rep. Paul Ryan to the  
ticket for being “invaluable” in scaring off potential voters:  
“Mitt knew he could get booed off the stage at the N.A.A.C.P., but  
it takes someone special to get booed off the stage at the A.A.R.P.”

The campaign manager acknowledged that there were “a few hiccups”  
in the plan to turn off voters, but that the Romney team worked  
quickly to fix them: “At the Convention in Tampa, Clint Eastwood was  
planning to go out and read a prepared speech endorsing Mitt. I  
pulled him aside and said, ‘Clint, that will ruin everything we’re  
trying to do here. Shout at a chair instead.’ And then we were  
golden.”

The “secret video” showing Mr. Romney at a fundraiser was another  
coup for the campaign, Mr. Rhoades said, adding, “We actually shot  
that video ourselves and then ‘leaked’ it to Mother Jones. It was  
the simplest way we could think of to take forty-seven per cent of  
the votes off the table.”

Mr. Rhoades admitted that he is gratified by how well the campaign’s  
plan to offend different constituencies has worked so far, but with  
only six weeks to go until the election, they are leaving nothing to  
chance: “This week, we’re releasing a video of Mitt swinging a cat  
by its tail.”

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here.

Photograph by Lauren Lancaster.




Read more http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/ 
2012/09/romney-in-final-push-to-alienate-remaining- 
voters.html#ixzz27buJ8eBp

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