<html><head></head><body style="word-wrap: break-word; -webkit-nbsp-mode: space; -webkit-line-break: after-white-space; "><div style="font-family: Futura; font-size: 16px; color: black; text-align: left; line-height: 25px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Palatino, Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 24px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 29px; ">ROMNEY SETS NEW PERSONAL BEST FOR FAKING EMPATHY</span></div><div id="article" style="-webkit-hyphens: auto; font-family: Palatino, Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 25px; "><div class="page" style="font: normal normal normal 20px/normal Palatino, Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 1.4; text-align: justify; font-family: Palatino, Georgia, Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 18px; "><p><img alt="romney-borowitz-empathy.jpg" width="465" height="341" class="reader-image-large" style="float: none; margin-right: auto; max-width: 100%; height: auto; margin-top: auto; margin-bottom: auto; margin-left: auto; display: block; " id="5ef30aae-efcc-4a6a-908c-8ee7f110cebc" apple-width="yes" apple-height="yes" src="cid:19A016AC-B18B-4D5F-875B-ADCD875CF24F@att.net"></p><p>HEMPSTEAD, NY —Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney set a new personal record tonight by pretending to care about average Americans for nearly ninety minutes.</p><p>Mr. Romney began the second Presidential debate by simulating concern for a college student named Jeremy’s employment future and maintained a consistent level of feigned concern on a variety of subjects for the remainder of the night.</p><div><p>“It was an awesome display of stamina,” said Mr. Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan, who watched Mr. Romney pretending to be empathic from a shelter in Virginia, where Mr. Ryan was pretending to feed a homeless orphan.</p><p>Mr. Romney’s new empathy record surpasses his previous mark, set seven days ago at a rally in Sidney, Ohio, where he pretended to give a shit about his audience for nearly an hour.</p><p>Tonight’s display of bogus sensitivity made a big impression on a post-debate focus group, as a majority of participants agreed with the statement, “Mitt Romney has the facial expressions of someone who cares about me.”</p><p>Moments after the debate, Mr. Romney pronounced himself “thoroughly drained” by the forced display of humanity.</p><p>“This empathy stuff is exhausting,” he told reporters. “On Day One, it’s going to stop.”</p><p>Throughout the evening, Mr. Romney traded barbs with President Obama, the first black person he has talked to since his speech at the N.A.A.C.P.</p></div><div><br></div></div></div></body></html>